Entertainment

FICTION: Goose Attacks Bethel Student

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MISHAWAKA – A violent goose has joined Bethel University’s pantheon of Halloween horrors. 

Rooty Archman, who said, “My name isn’t going in this, right? I don’t want my friends to know I ran away from a goose,” is the only student on record who has encountered the fiend. Below is the transcript of this unidentified Bethel student’s account of their encounter with the goose.

Archman said, “So, I had just left the DC, right? I was going down the stairs, feelin[g] pretty good about myself: I managed to snag a few cookies right as they were coming out of the oven, and I put those bad boys in a carry-out box, pumped some ice cream out on top, and left. I reached the clock, when I heard a growl from the bush behind me. Luckily, my RA told me about a huge squirrel that mugs kids for food, and I kept a pack of trail mix on me for that reason. My friend made fun of me for the entirety of Welcome Week, but I wasn’t the one to be jumped by a rodent, was I, Craig? 

“Anyway, I tossed Mega-Squirrel the food, and dipped outta there pretty quick. I was takin the route to Oakwood that went past the science building and the back of the AC. On my way, I saw this pure-white goose. It was pretty cool, I guess, but I was a little distracted by the fact that it was standing in the middle of the sidewalk and wearing a mask. Not moving. I don’t even think it was blinking. So, I stopped, walked up to it. Pretty sure I said something like, ‘Hey, buddy. Best skedaddle ‘fore I run you down,’ or something like that.” 

“Then, the goose says, ‘try it, coward.’ So, I’m lookin’ around - right - tryin’ to find the wise guy who’s tryna speak for this goose, like some sort of goose whisperer or goose Lorax or whatever. Then, this cheeky little water rat says, It’s what I thought.’ My dumb self, still thinking this was a joke, I said, ‘nawww, wassup then?’” 

“So, the goose pulled out a knife, and I woke up folded over a – “ 

Unfortunately, at this point in the interview, a quack sounded through the open window, and Rooty attacked the interviewer. She barely had time to leave the room before Rooty flew into a blind panic, shouting about feathers, brandishing a slice of bread, and barricading himself under every piece of furniture the room had to offer. By the time campus security made it into the room, there were several peck marks on the victim’s neck, a plastic knife on the floor, and a trail of breadcrumbs leading to the window. 

The anonymous Bethel student has declined to comment on what his brother, Gander Archman in Oakwood room 112, and subsequently the rest of campus, refers to as “the Goosening.” Pilots should do their best to stay safe. Campus security is hot on the tailfeathers of this unpheasant ne’er-do-well but have yet to turn up anything; this seems like a chase for some untamed goose. 

This story is a work of fiction. No person or goose was actually harmed. Any relation of characters from this story to people in real life, living or deceased, is entirely coincidental. 

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