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MISHAWAKA, IND. – This week there have been reports of a rogue squirrel. Multiple students have reported to Campus Safety of a squirrel that just seems a little bit off. A few of the reported traits are as follows: larger than an average squirrel, closer to the size of a rabbit; only half of his tail is intact; he has a white stripe on his back and you can see him viciously going after the other squirrels.
This beast has been a nuisance to all on campus, biting through the power chords to Shiloh Prayer Chapel and the Wi-Fi. He has also been dragging away decorative pumpkins outside of Shupe and hiding them under the new campus safety vehicle. While those offenses don’t seem too malicious, he has also accosted a few students who came across his path at the wrong time.
There have been no reported injuries yet, but there have been a few close calls from people who have tried to feed this creature. One particular incident almost cost a student his fingers. Skippy Jones, a freshman here at Bethel, tried to feed mega-squirrel a little bit of his waffle from the Dining Commons. Apparently, the squirrel really likes pumpkin spice waffles, because he ravenously grabbed the whole thing and accidently grazed little Skippy’s finger in the process. He then made off like a bandit with his waffle, presumably to store it for the winter. Since Bethel keeps its squirrels well fed, they lack a fear of humans that most wild animals have. Due to this unfortunate event, mega-squirrel has taken to stalking students. This is not a danger to students yet, but Campus Safety urges everyone to travel in packs of two or more. Squirrel experts have been brought in and assure us that there is nothing to fear, our squirrel is probably just looking for extra food, maybe another waffle. The squirrel has been spotted running directly at students, especially those with bags of food, and trying to jump at them. Only a few students have made direct contact with the squirrel. One in particular was jumped on and before the squirrel could do too much damage, she was able to bat him away. He did, however, rip out quite a chunk of hair. The student is now on the mend and she is ready to speak out about her experiences. “I never thought that I would be attacked by a squirrel. Bethel’s squirrels are always so cute and friendly! I always thought that they were too chubby to be filled with malice. I’m on my way to from the Dining Commons to the Academic Center for class, and suddenly, I see this brown and white bullet coming at me! I didn’t have time to move, I was in shock. Then out of nowhere, my hair feels like it’s being ripped out of my skull. So, I swatted at the thing and it ran away. I had no idea what to do, I didn’t think that anyone would believe me. I’m okay now, and my hair is growing back. I just can’t believe it really happened.” Bethel has just released a plan to combat this creature. President Chenoweth has okayed the release of six trained red-tail hawks. These hawks are trained by exterminators to hunt down only the biggest and the most mischievous of squirrels. The Board of Trustees hopes this solves most of the technical issues on campus, because the student body has not been able to experience Bethical News for three weeks. Everyone is getting restless and most of the student body is scared to go outside. If you have any information that could lead to the capture of the mega-squirrel, please call Campus Safety. Until the squirrel is caught, please take caution when going outside with food. To take all precautions, absolutely do not leave your car under any trees. If you see a squirrel running in your direction, run away as fast as you can. He will attack, and he will cause you harm. Until next time, be safe out there and travel in groups, and may God bless you all. Note: the above story is fictitious. Any resemblance to real-life characters or events is coincidental.
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